I drafted the following letter to the most famous elf of them all on behalf of my bike riding family. Yes, there are parts that they may only understand, That is the best part of having a “CLUB” right? None the less, I fired this memo off to the big guy up north…
Dear Santa,
Hi! I hope all is well. I hope all of the Elves and Reindeer had a great off-season! Have you gained weight because if I must say so, you are looking in great Santa form?
I am writing to you this year not for me, but for my wonderful 6-Pack family as I know that they are just too shy to write you on their own. I can assure you that the 6-pack have all been very good boys this year as they participated in many charity rides and other mischief…meaning all good stuff. I hope you can grant some holiday wishes for them on my behalf. Did I mention you look stupendous in red?
Allow me to start with the ever admired captain of our ever so humble team, Gregg. I think Gregg needs a metal detector that will fit on his bike frame. This way he can pedal along safely and not have to worry about looking for dropped coins on the roadway. I would love to see him keep his good eye on the road, so to speak. Just a little ping and he can turn right around and pick up that nickel…or dime…or on a good day, a half dollar! Wow, would that ever be great!
Next, I hope that you could give Bill a pair of really sturdy pair of motorcycle goggles to fit over his glasses. You see, Bill goes so darn fast, that his eyes have to water. We all know that is a safety hazard. I am sure you know what I mean. When Rudolph gets his gander up, it is more than your hat that is in danger! Goggles would be great for Bill.
For Steve, could you please bring a snorkel mask and swimming fins? I am sure that the Ohio River is very murky at this time of year. He will need the swim wear in order to search for that bike he threw in there. Maybe a nice scuba wetsuit as well, because we all know how good he looks in tight clothes. And the water may be a bit chilly, but you know all about cold weather, Santa.
Now for Scott. I know he is a difficult person to find the right gift for, like you already didn’t know that. I think some carbon fiber dinner plates would be in order for Scott. You see, since he already has a carbon fiber bike, the plates are the next logical thing to get him. This way, he has a light weight solution that he could carry and never have to worry about what bologna and cheese is served on. He would have his own answer. Santa, you must know what it is like to have your cookies served on cardboard plates. We are talking major coal in the stockings, if you get my drift!
As for Don, it would be really nice if you could talk to his boss, you know, the post master general? I mean who doesn’t have an “IN” if you don’t. I think you are still the only person that gets his mail delivered even if it doesn’t have a proper address or stamp on it! I think you have some pull, Santa. If you could get Don a 2 day pass so he can finally do the entire Pan Ohio, that would be really cool. I am sure he would like that as well.
Jeff. I know Santa, this is one tough nutcracker. He is our true tough guy. A regular John Wayne. He runs. He bikes for 170 miles in one day. He can bite railroad spikes in two if he needs to. His words have such heavy meaning, they would break a normal man’s jaw. What could this man’s man possible need? Well, how about some “GasX” or “Beano”. Having spent time with this Man, he has some manly flatulence. In other words, he could blow your sleigh doors off. A little help would be nice!
We have a new comer, Santa. That would be Shawn. He just got a bike this last year. I think it is only fitting that you get him training wheels. How else is he going to not fall over if not even keeping up? He has a lot to prove to his new team. Maybe a motor? How about some fairy dust? Never mind, training wheels will do.
Dilemmas, dilemmas. You see, I could not come up with a gift request for Chuck. I think he already got a great gift this year. He got the ultimate man cave. For me, I only get to go to my basement, which is at best, 2 floors away from the wives. Chuck got his cave 120 MILES AWAY! And, his wives can’t get to him but for 3 days a week! Santa, you did great with that gift. However, you may want to give him the numbers of all of the pizza places in his neighborhood. He does need to eat.
And now for the easiest gift on the list. For Ken, please give him a pair of blow-up legs. This way, he will finally have a pair…of legs, of course. Please don’t tell him I asked. He may be a tad sensitive about the subject. Ah…never mind. Tell him.
As for myself, please do not worry. I only want world peace. I know that may be a bit outside your pay grade, so how about beer. Or a fruit basket. Fruit makes a great gift!
I Think I will put these into practice next time I get the finger while I am riding. Although when this happens while I am on a trainer, well that is just wrong!
As some of you may remember from a few posts ago, I was a tad bit dismayed by the fact that people were finding this site because they were typing “I am very ugly” into a search engine. 
